glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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