he thought i was a dude.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
