There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize