At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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