so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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