Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
