I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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