Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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