If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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