I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
