when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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