She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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