How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
