I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
