Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
