Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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