my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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