Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
