Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
