I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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