dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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