the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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