You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
