Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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