So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
