He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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