if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The uberlube is also flammable
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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