I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize