Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
