the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
me + whiskey = a bad person
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
