Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
