when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
