somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
