If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
