i need an iv and a liver transplant
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
