Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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