My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
