umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
