end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just high enough for therapy.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
