you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
