i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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