I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
the liver wants what the liver wants
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
