omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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