I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
