Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
