well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
