I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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