Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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