True but thats because hes a fetus.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
