I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
