I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
