I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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