I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
