I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize