Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
