my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize