I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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