Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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