I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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