I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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