Only a mothe r could love this liver
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
