when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize
