So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
